Chelie

Since I’m the artist of my life, I sketched it smoothly even in the smallest details, erased all the mistakes and vibrantly colored it. I did all the best I can in the field of my work, made them to trust me and excel not only for the position I had. I trained in Europeans country like Genève – Switzerland and Lyon – France, which gave me more confidence and achievement.

But I can’t tell I’m fulfilled despite of all this. There something inside me which I found broken, it is my “mind” and “heart”. It is like not me, an “androids” manipulating by other human being.  Every moved I done was a written script, and “yes” I act well. Covered my face in a mask, showing how strong I am. In fact I’m softer than cotton, my heart is weak and there are some sleepless nights which made me cried.

This is not I want, “a temporary dream” and I borrowed now a half decade of my life walking in a desert.  I’m almost completely done in my missions. I can catch again a rain in my two hands and not the sandstorm powdering my head.

I’m counting now every night, days, months and yet years to comeback in a land of the morning, the place which I belonged.

A time I will decide to give up everything what I had now, but no regrets. Continuing to the battle of my life but I know I will not be alone. Reunite to someone who will hold my hands and ready to catch me if I will fall and he is the man I love that whom I will tell “yes, it is the right time”.

As a freshman and a block section in B.S. Business Administration it is very rare to cross our way a man named Al, even we are taking the same course.

Until our sophomore year 1^st trimester, just I finished my Philosophy (Logic) class. The next class is waiting in the hallway, I saw a man extensively smiling with a small eyes. In 2^nd trimester of the same year we are been classmates, still no near interactions between us. Until his circle of friends form a group to join a Student council campaign, they need one more to fill a secretary position that time. Because of my Marketing professor who convinced and recommended me for them I joined the group. Armand, whose running as a President choose a name SISTEMA but unfortunately doesn’t know what is the meaning so I decided to form a words for that which is Samahan ng Indibidwal na Sumusuporta sa Tamang Edukasyon at Akademya. During our meeting in a student council room, it is the first time for me and Al to start to know each other as a classmate and as group members.

He has his own and I had my own group, then it is started. He smiled at me every time he entered our class. Diosa which is my buddy always teasing me about him because it is visibly showing his affection towards me. 3^rd trimester pass and he earned his degree in Associate in Business Administration. 1^st trimester in my junior year he decided to continue his course in BSBA, a time he courted me. Almost 5 times I refused to him, but he never give up. On 14^th of August year 2000 I gave my yes to him. I can’t explain his happiness to his face. A certain times that I decided to break our relationships but he refused to agree.

He’s always there for me, never tired in loving me. Seriously telling me in a low voice “I know in our two years still you didn’t love me”. But patiently waiting and understanding me even behind my perfections, immaturity, and for my high expectations in life. A time I didn’t ask a permission that me and my friends will watch “Pearl  Harbor” movie and he went to pick me up in PLDT Business Office which I had my on the job training. I saw the anger on his face but still he tried to be soft in front of me. His sleepless night because of his work trying to take me from my evening class his with me during my Feasibility, Defenses and until my last trimester in senior year.

He prayed with me in churches of Antipolo, Pasig, Saint Claire and Saint Joseph, not only once he sketched my face in a blank paper but also in to his heart.

My graduation day that he is beside me fulfills and satisfied for what I achieved. Until I got my first job at Abenson Inc. as a receiving clerk, he continuously waits for me even in late midnight. His hands that he always covered in my eyes when I didn’t see him waiting for me. We are showered by rains and he will be my additional umbrella.

Until I decided to leave him and worked abroad in 9^th of October 2004, he supported me until to the last time and promised me he will never go in my life, years of misunderstanding and some uncertainties in early 2007 I decided to broke with him.

I know he lost his directions, I ruined him and my dreams and passion in work eaten me alive. I forgot a man who’s always there even in hardest days of my life.

A years goes on, 18^th of August 2009 we decided to be together again continue in what we are started before. New start and a new beginning, our chances to reconstruct again our trust, maturity and love to each other. It is almost 2 years for me to realized how special and important this man to me.   The one patiently waiting and never stop loving me until now…

Shadows make my hand to start’s an upsurge,

Slowly, stop until it turns to a wildly panorama.

Restrained, flamboyant insignia are dancing.

Rapid, explode the reddish blood flowed.

Emaciated stain sketch in the papyrus,

Strive to illustrate the mouth of the famine.

Scrawny, bloated stomach, pathetic…

Premonition of an old times epidemic.

Neurosis inside the mortal psyche,

Moan, hilarity, muffled in anticipation.

Perhaps in tune of wilderness,

Existing, gasp in new world that created…

Vain, blemish spirit, happiness, memoir…

In the tomb of an unnoticed conqueror,

Pieces that once molded by dispense nor

Manu scripted in an exceptional wave.

“PAIN is one of those things that remind us always that all men are equal. The young and the old suffer pain. The rich and the poor are visited by it. The great and the humble are not spared by pain. The great can rationalize over it. There are those who suffer pain in their bodies. There are those who suffer pain in their hearts. And there are those who are suffering in their minds. Pain is one experience that shouts to our ears how human, how vulnerable and mortal and how much in need we are of others”.

Nabasa ko ang quote na ito in one book way back in 1997 when I’m in 3^rd year high school, then for that time  I just made a copy. Every time and then na binabasa ko ito I’m too much inspired. It is absolutely correct no doubt when it comes to “pain” lahat ng klase ng tao ay mararanasan ito, from upper to lower class, richest to poorest, literate to illiterate and infancy to adulthood.

Pain has different types, madami itong mukha and minsan na we think that we are happy sa lahat ng oras and will not experience it but in fact it is part of our system that we can’t escape.

Are you suffering pain if somebody near to you died? A time na gusto na din nating mawala sa mundo. What is the use of our life kung nawala na yung taong minahal mo, nagbigay ng inspirasyon at katuwang mo every steps of your life.

Are you suffering pain if a relationship comes in to an end? Of course it is human instinct na masaktan kapag-nauuwi ang isang boy/girl relationship sa isang wakas. Ito din yung mga pahanon na you are having a blank mind, umiiyak ka at hindi makakain. Gaano man katagal o kadali, kasimple o kakomplikado ang sitwasyon at maayos man o hindi ang paghihiwalay it is still hurts. You will never know when you will start again, some of us we chosen to freeze our heart or to make it beat again to cover and to heal the pain.

Are you suffering pain if you are sick? It is the great pain that we will experience dahil nararamdaman natin ito not only physically but also emotionally. Minsan mas matindi ang emotion impact kaysa sa sakit na nararamdaman natin that we made us more frail.

Are you suffering pain from your soul? Soul will recognized not only our spirit kaugnay din nito yung ating conscience, mind and heart.  Minsan yung pain nararamdaman natin ay dahil sa ating sarili, we are the one who created it for some unexplainable reasons.

Pain is part of all of us since our birth until our death; we must only need to deal with it what ever types it is. We can pray to God and talk to a friend not to remove but to lessen the burden made by pains. God is great dahil pinatunayan niya that we created all of us na pantay pantay by the means of PAIN.

Kabataan, hango sa salitang ugat na “bata”, nangangahulugan ng kamusmusan at salat pa sa mga kaalaman at mga bagay – bagay.

MInsan ay naging isa din akong bata, naranasan maglaro sa lansangan, maligo sa buhos ng malakas na ulan, maging guro sa aral - aralan, umiyak kapag may laruang hindi nabili at kung anu – ano pa. Mula sa pagka - bata ay   unti – unting namumulat sa mga bagong aspeto ng buhay at duon pumapasok ang pagiging “kabataan”. Mga tanong na pumapasok sa isipan bakit ganuon, bakit ganyan? Tinutuklas ang mga pagbabagong pisikal, ispirtuwal at emosyonal. Damdaming di mo mawari at maunawaan. Ngunit sa pagkalipas nang halos labin – limang taon  mula sa una  kong pagharap sa mundo ng kabataan, maraming nagbago kami nuon at sila ngayon.

Taun – taon sa pagpagdagdag ng gulang nang mundo at pagtuklas ng mga makabagong teknolohiya kaakibat ang mga pagbabagong sikolihikal sa mga kabataan. Malaki ang epekto ng “computer” sa kasalukuyang henerasyon. Binago nito ang pamamaraan ng pamumuhay, masasabing ito ay nagturo sa ilang mga kabataan ng pagiging matapang. Matapang sa maling pamamaraan, sa maagang pagharap sa ibang mukha ng buhay. Naging maluwag ang lipunan sa usapin at panooring sekswal. Naging liberal ang bawat isa sa kanilang gawain, pananalita, pananaw at pananamit.

Hindi masama ang makisabay sa pagbabago ngunit sana’y maisip natin na ito’y may kaakibat na responsibilidad na dapat nating sundin.  May halong pagkakonserbatibo man noon ay hindi nangangahulugang tayo’y mananaliti sa nakaraan at gamitin ito sa kasalukuyan. Nawa’y hindi nakawin nang globalisasyon ang kamusmusan  ng mga bagong kabataan. Kung ilang ulit man na tatanungin sa akin na kung ako’y muling magiging kabataan mas nanaiisin ko pa rin na bumalik sa aking henerasyon na may kaakibat na  ngiti ng pag – asa at hindi pangamba nang maagang  pagkamulat at piliting pahinugin sa dahas ng maling pagsukob sa modernong panahon.

What is the feeling of being far from the place you belong? Thousands miles separated from lands and waters across.

Boredom, struggling in language barrier, culture shocked and some other difficulties, yes this is the feeling of an Overseas Filipino Worker.

As one of the millions OFW around the world either it is in America, Europe, Middle East and in other parts of Asia. The “truth” it is a huge sacrificed being abroad and “lies” for telling they are blissful. Why the terms sacrifice? Leaving somebody extremely near to your heart, how easy it is? In fact isn’t easy at all. For the first step you cried but you are keeping one will and it is the “passion” which will change to your life. To the person who’s depending on you for their necessity, the care that you can’t give for now has been covered by the dollars, euros, dinar, riyal and other currencies. We are keeping behind some important ethics which make as degrading our self in front of others.

I’m proud to be a Filipino; I admired our dedication to work, the enhancement and improvements of our learning. But what are the reasons why some of us walk in a wrong way? It is always acknowledged as a “wrong way” but I’m trying to speculate what is the right term for this. The picture of an individual in deeper and logical sight, it is a natured of us being warm and having a freedom of expressions either it is in our dress, enjoyment, feelings and etc. I noticed that the limit we provided are flowing than the necessity we required. Some of us can’t control ourselves it is like a temptation over mind.  We are tempted to do what will make us worth even though the facts will compensate us the dignity that we preserve.  

Either one of us has no rights to condemned and question. How painful it is to be accused in general because of others? Until when I will walk without a question mark on my face, I hope that time will come to heal all the sufferings of an OFW in unquestionable and descent way.

We are all human beings and nobody’s perfect either am I, once we walked in uncorrected path it doesn’t mean it is the end there is another path that will give you a more light.

Since childhood I never wonder why I’m having the ugliest hands. I know it is not smooth as a candle either soft as cotton. It is a small hand with the appearance for the old ones.  

In year and years of my life it is continuously fractured from the outside.

At the aged of four I drew before I learned to write my first name. Once by mistake I stitched my finger in a sewing machine when I’m twelve in a practiced to join a division sewing competition. It’s hardened by a home made glue to make a paper mosaic. Maybe twice or thrice I hammered it and the nail got died for making wooden crafts. It is painted by different colors of oil pastel, water colors, dyed, charcoal, acrylic, pencil and pen. Pottery and sculpturing that made it whitened and dusted. Tired in writing poems, essays and short stories in times I don’t have a personal computer to use. Burned and cut to design fruits and vegetables during food presentation. I can’t count how many “pastillas” and pastries I did for sale to have an extra income when I’m in college. Boxes of company files I arranged and to confirmed until midnight.

Should I feel bashful to shake hands neither a French men nor other people, I don’t think so.

Time to times I look at it; it’s getting more beautiful and meaningful and I can’t see anymore my ugliest hands.

Once I look up in the mirror I can’t see the reflection of my self. It’s not the girl with bliss in her lips.

Confusions, doubt and anxiousness…

My small eyes are struggling in liquefy substance that in any moment will ready to explode. Confusions for the path that I’m walking, in every bend of the road I stop. Which way I will persist? How if it is not the correct one, I should renege?

Doubt for my own capability that time will come that I can’t give any valuable moments for someone. Anxiousness is the consequence of my broken promises.

Before a child who sketched her own life, whose fascinated to the world of dreams using her colored pastel. Guidelines, restrictions and principles the unfinished book that written by a young girl. I opened my heart to everyone; my poems are my journal, the pain, aspiration, affection and merriment.

I followed the rule of business; long and short term relationships the risk is failure. During the boom I run, unexplainable or maybe insanity. Which things I frightened? To be committed in neither my entire life nor they failed for my expectations.

As a fighter of my own idealism, who believed that “Love” is explained by hope, faith and charity. Giving “HOPE” to the individuals who needed me most. A “FAITH” for the dreams of young girl pieces, and “CHARITY” for every help I can give either quality or quantity.

A humanist with a wounded “soul” and having a heart broke in a million pieces. In a war that I declared nearly to surrender, should I continue my battle?

Why and what went wrong? Perhaps I’m not good enough behind of all this. I never ask in returned, what should I get but nothing.

Again, I can’t see my face clearly. It’s only an image of a lady who thought that she’s tough enough and egoistic for her self.

Searching for the real I am is now my own battle for my self, if I will win the real bliss in my lips will see again.

Noli Me Tangere/ El Filibusterismo – This two classical Filipino novel of our national hero Dr. Jose Rizal is my all time favorites. It showed how the Spaniard treated us for almost three hundred years of invasions. From the churches up to their government, “meztizo” to “indiyo”, Juan Crisostomo Ibarra turn Simon.

Gapo – I know this book almost 11 years ago but I didn’t try to read it that time. Only two novels of Lualhati Bautista which are “Bata, Bata Paano Ka Ginawa?” and “Dekada 70” I read that time as part of our school report. When I read “Gapo” its help me to understand what is the life of our people in Olangapo when the American using Subic Bay as their military base. Now I know when the Filipina start their mentality to married an American.

Luha ng Buwaya – When I’m 15 years old I read this book of Amado Hernandez. It’s help and motivates me to write poetry and inspired me a lot. The humiliation of land owner to the poor farmers, and how the farmers fight to this battle of above and under.

Tuesday’s with Morrie – In one day I finished reading this book, first It’s took my curiosity not because this is one of the best seller book in the world. Only I know this is one of my college professor’s favorite. I read it and I amazed to this real life story, an old man whose fighting to death and until to his last breath want to inspired people.

Girl With A Pearl Earring – The innocent Griet painted by his master Velmeer using Pearl earring of her Madame. It’s amazed me I like the combinations of mysterious story with the mix of art.

A Brother’s Journey (Surviving a Childhood of Abused) – Again the real life story always touch readers, I can’t believe that how a little boy hide the truth that they are brutally abused by his mentally sick mother.

The Purpose Driven Life – I don’t have any idea about this book, during my vacation in Philippines my best friends handed this to me as a gift. Chapter by chapter every day it’s teaching me what is my purpose and for what I’m living.

The Dalai Lama’s Book Of Love & Compassions – Like the Purpose Driven Life the Dalai Lama’s Book of Love and Compassion is almost same they teach how to do clean living.

Jane Eyre – The strong will of Jane inspired me, her artistic hand and how she survived from a childhood abused and to become a governess and follow her step toward her true love.

Filipino Short Stories

Isandaang Damit – A poor child, who became alienated by her classmates, found out a way to cover her true condition by drawing a dress of a hundred kinds.

Lalapindangowa - I – A fable of a grasshopper married to a shrimp and to an egg. I love the story.

Gilingang Bato – I can’t remember the writer but I like the narrative how a lady using her “gilingang bato” to make a native rice cake to provide her family needs.

Tata Selo – Again a poor farmer against the greedy land lord and how this people used their power to abused the innocent.